All Is Calm, All Is Bright
by Enthusiastic Fish
Summary: Oneshot written for the 2009 NFA Secret Santa Fic Exchange. It's hard being responsible for the death of another human being.


**A/N:** I wrote this oneshot two years ago for the NFA SeSa fic exchange. I don't know how I missed putting it up here, but apparently, I did. So since it's Christmas time, I'll put it up now. I hope you enjoy.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own NCIS. I do not own the characters and I'm not making money off these stories. More's the pity.

* * *

><p><strong>All Is Calm, All Is Bright<br>**by Enthusiastic Fish

"Well, that will do it, Jethro. I believe we can take him home now." Ducky brushed the snow off his knees as he stood and Jimmy helped him place the newly-filled bodybag on the gurney. "A shame it happened so close to Christmas."

"Yeah." Gibbs said nothing else but looked at his team. Tony and Ziva looked regretful that it had been necessary to end this case with the death of the young ensign, but when someone took it into their heads that death was the only option... Their regret, however, was nothing to Tim's look of utter desolation. It was a muted form of the same expression he'd had on his face ever since he'd had to pull the trigger and kill him.

The ensign had been a reluctant murderer, a series of events which had gotten away from him ending in the death of his commanding officer, and the ruin of his entire life. He hadn't been willing to face a trial, imprisonment nor living with his guilt. Instead, he had, as others had done before him, chosen suicide by cop. Tim had been the cop. So far, in terms of general coping, Tim seemed as okay as was possible, but Gibbs knew he couldn't count on that lasting. Tim would start going over everything and figuring out how it had happened, what he could have done differently.

It was the same with Kate, although Gibbs could allow that he'd been clumsy in handling the situation then. Tim didn't seem to be in the state where he would start asking for reassurance. That wasn't his way. Kate had needed it and asked for it...and not gotten it, not from Gibbs anyway. ...but Tim, although he'd need it too, wouldn't ask. He'd bury the feelings deep inside and pretend he didn't feel them...taking his cue from his teammates. That's how it worked. They were supposed to be stoic and tough, but Tim's eyes showed vividly just how awful he felt about what had happened, what he had just done, what he had been forced to do.

He'd said very little, although he had at least spoken. Tony and Ziva had both been supportive and sympathetic. No one was happy about this ending to such an unhappy case...and right before Christmas. Tim was supposed to be on call this year, but Gibbs had in mind to do whatever it took to get him _off_ call and home with his family. He would need that, although he'd definitely deny that he needed it.

"We done here?" he asked needlessly. It was a long drive from the Allegheny Plateau back to DC. They'd had a lot of time to process what they could of the crime scene while waiting for Ducky and Jimmy to arrive...which they had...late and grumbling about getting lost.

"Yeah, we're done, Boss," Tony said. "There's nothing else we need to do here."

Gibbs nodded. "Okay. You and Ziva go. McGee and I'll follow."

Tim nodded in silent agreement, not happy but not interested enough in something so mundane as driving arrangements to speak.

"Are you certain, Gibbs, that we should–?"

"Go on, Ziva. We'll see you back at headquarters." Gibbs was calm but firm.

"Yes, Gibbs." She turned to Tony. "I will drive," she said and snatched the keys from his hand.

Ducky stopped beside Tim and put a gentle arm around his shoulders, speaking softly, his words of encouragement inaudible to Gibbs' ears. He managed to bring a momentary smile to Tim's face without removing any of the regret. Jimmy also stopped to give hesitant holiday greetings before they left.

Tim looked at them both and obviously told them that he'd be fine. They could go. Finally, it was only Tim and Gibbs. Tim looked at his boss and took a deep breath, not speaking.

"You ready to go, McGee?"

"Yeah, Boss."

That was all. Nothing else was spoken. They got in the car and drove away through the woods, leaving the clearing behind. Neither spoke for a long time. Gibbs couldn't drive quickly because of the snow. There'd been a series of storms moving through West Virginia in the last few days...besides, he wanted to give Tim a chance to process some of his feelings in relative privacy.

So for forty-five minutes, they drove in silence. No music, no words...nothing...but the silence wasn't all bad. It was heavy but not awkward. Then, as they near one of the scenic overlooks in the Alleghenies, Tim suddenly had something to say.

"Could you pull over please, Boss?"

Gibbs nodded and slowed before turning into the small area. As soon as the car was no longer moving, Tim opened the door and got out. He walked to the edge of the overlook and stood there, breathing hard. Gibbs also got out and joined him.

"Why couldn't he have just surrendered?"

"He wanted to die."

"Well, I _didn't_ want him to die!"

"I know. Neither did I."

Still breathing hard as if he'd run a marathon, Tim stared out at the snow-covered scene spread out before him...probably not seeing any of it. Gibbs put a hand on his shoulder and felt Tim trembling.

"This was all so pointless!"

"It was," Gibbs agreed softly.

"It was an accident! The judge would have been lenient. An argument got out of control. It was wrong the way it ended."

"You're right."

Tim turned on Gibbs. "Stop agreeing with me!" he shouted, raising his voice for the first time.

"It's hard not to when you're right, McGee."

"This is so _stupid_," Tim said, bitterly.

"What is?"

"All of it...from beginning to end. Two good men lost their lives because... I don't even _know _why. Neither of them had to die." Tim turned away and watched the sun peek through the gray clouds in an all-too-brief brilliance of color. The orange and yellow rays burst across the landscape, sparkling on the snow.

The silence descended again and the two of them watched the setting sun. After a few minutes, the colors began to dull and fade.

"I've always loved Christmas," Tim said in a low voice. "Always. We were never very religious in my family, but...at Christmas time we were. I learned about the birth of Jesus right along side all the trappings of Santa Claus...and loved them both. I remember loving to hear the story, the wise men, the shepherds...all of it."

The sun finally disappeared and the colors darkened, becoming purples and grays as the clouds again took over. A breeze rustled through the trees around them. It was chilly but Gibbs didn't suggest that they leave. He just waited.

"I don't go to church much. I probably should more. I've always believed that there was a God. Too many times when things happened that logically couldn't have happened...good things. But lately, Boss..." Tim swallowed and looked down at the snow. "Lately...I've started wondering...what kind of God would let this happen?"

Gibbs replaced his hand on Tim's shoulder. Tim was still trembling.

"We still have choices, McGee. What kind of God would force us to do anything? We have to make whatever choice we'll make. Ensign Lowery...he made a choice. More than one. Those choices led to the choice you had to make."

Tim's eyes closed and the scene loomed up in front of him.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

_They ran through the trees, having pursued him this far, they couldn't let him get away._

"_Ziva, McGee! You go that way! Try to get around him!" Gibbs ordered while he and Tony took off into the trees to the left of the clearing._

"_Come, McGee," Ziva said and sprinted, Tim following close behind._

_A flash of blue._

"_Ensign Lowery, stop where you are and drop your weapon!"_

_No response and the flash vanished._

"_He's getting tired," Tim said._

"_Yes. We should be able to hem him in."_

"_Right. As long as he doesn't do anything stupid."_

"_He killed his superior officer, McGee!" Ziva said scornfully and then veered to the left. Tim veered right and they sped up while their quarry began to slow._

_Tim caught a glimpse of Tony ahead of him and swerved back toward Ziva._

_Then, abruptly, the trees ended and they were all there, pointing guns at each other. Tim was the only one who could see Lowery clearly. Ziva was sprawled on the ground, her gun gleaming in the snow far out of her reach. Lowery was pointing his gun at her. Tony was trying to get around._

"_I'm not going to jail!" Lowery said._

"_You're going to have to, Ensign," Gibbs said, reasonably, also trying to get a clear shot._

"_No, I can't!"_

_Lowery looked straight ahead...into Tim's eyes._

"_No, Ensign, it doesn't have to end like this," Tim insisted._

"_It has to end...just like this," Lowery said and pulled his gun off Ziva and toward Tim._

_In those brief seconds, he saw what was coming. Lowery would kill him if Tim didn't shoot first. No time for anyone else to get around and take him down. Tim took a deep breath and fired. One. Two. Three._

_The second shot missed, but the first and third hit home and Lowery was dead before he hit the ground._

_For a few seconds, everyone was as still as the newly-dead ensign. Tim took a deep breath...and then another before he was sure that his voice would work._

"_Ziva...you okay?" he asked._

_She stood, walked to her gun, picked it up and looked at him. "I am fine, McGee. Thank you."_

_Tony approached the ensign and checked for a pulse._

"_He's dead," Tony said softly. "What a waste."_

_Gibbs joined him and looked back at Tim. "McGee?"_

"_I'm fine, Boss," Tim said. "Fine."_

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

"It wasn't a choice," Tim said thickly. "Not really."

"No, I guess not."

"Would you stop agreeing with me?"

"No."

Tim opened his eyes again. "I wish this hadn't happened."

"So do I. So does everyone."

"I think I'm probably a bit more vehement about it."

"Yes, probably."

Tim wasn't happy. He wasn't relieved. He was saddened by a needless death...and even more, although he'd think such a mundane feeling inappropriate, he felt that Christmas was ruined, tainted by association.

"This is how it had to be...but at the same time, it didn't have to be like this."

"In a way, it did. That's the only way Lowery left for himself."

Tim nodded in reluctant agreement.

"You ready to go?"

He shook his head.

"Okay."

It got darker. Gibbs didn't move his hand and Tim didn't look away from the landscape that soon would be hidden from view by the enveloping darkness.

"What's your favorite Christmas carol, McGee?"

"What?"

"Your favorite carol."

He shrugged. "Does it matter?"

"Not particularly."

Tim was silent for a long while. Gibbs just stood, trying not to shiver in the cold breeze.

"'Silent Night,'" he said finally. "If I had to choose just one...right now, it'd be 'Silent Night'."

"Why?"

"So many of the carols are about happiness and joy...and praising God. That's what this season is about. The happiness is expressed in upbeat tunes, big orchestrations. Those are beautiful, but...on that night...it was probably not filled with booming voices and loud exclamations...not in the stable." Tim stopped and swallowed. When he continued, he spoke as if his heart ached. "In the stable, it was just a family. It might have been Jesus Christ being born, but I'll bet that Mary only thought of Him as her son. It's so peaceful. The Savior is born...but there's no parade, no big decree...just people in a stable...just God in a stable. Calm...at peace."

Tim closed his eyes on a scene he couldn't see anyway and began to cry.

"Why did He let this happen? ...to me?"

Gibbs moved closer and put his arm around Tim's shoulders, letting him cry.

Gradually, as he let out all the grief that had been gathering inside him, the tears ebbed and Tim calmed, becoming almost preternaturally still. A break in the clouds revealed a bright moon, just past first quarter. The breeze calmed almost to nothing and it was nearly silent.

Both were startled by the ring of Gibbs' phone. Tim looked at Gibbs and actually laughed a little at his own surprise.

"They're going to think we've crashed and died," he said.

"Or that we're having fun without them."

"Crash is more likely, Boss," Tim replied...and it was obvious, even though he said nothing, that he was thinking, _You were driving after all_.

Gibbs gave him a gentle headslap that was part relief and part reproof for his impudence. Then, he walked a few steps away and answered.

"_Boss? What's going on? You were right behind us! Is McGee all right?"_

Gibbs looked over at Tim and then walked a few more steps away.

"You think we were dead, Tony?" He heard a soft chuckle behind him.

"_No, but..."_ Tony's voice was serious. _"Ziva and I...we saw McGee's face. Just wanted to make sure that he was okay. Is he?"_

"Ducky and Palmer get back all right?"

"_Yeah, only a few minutes behind us. Once you get out of the mountains, the roads are clear."_

"You and Ziva finish up your reports. Then, you can go."

"_Will do. I'll take McGee's Christmas shift. I was going to be in DC anyway."_

Distantly, as if she were hovering around the phone, Gibbs heard Ziva add, _"As will I, Gibbs!"_

"Good."

"_Is he going to be all right?"_

"Yeah. He will. Just needed some time."

"_The roads are slick on the way down."_

"DiNozzo, are you trying to tell me how to drive?"

"_No, Boss. Absolutely not."_

"Good." Gibbs then heard a brief scuffle for possession of the phone...and was unsurprised when Ziva's voice was the next he heard.

"_We will be here when you and McGee arrive. We have already told Director Vance that McGee will not be on call for Christmas and that he has a few days off to be with his family."_

"_Ziva, it's _my_ phone! Give it back! Santa Claus is watching!"_

"_I am Jewish, Tony. We do not have Santa Claus."_

"Quiet, both of you. I think we'll be on our way in a few minutes."

"_Very well. We will wait."_

Gibbs hung up on another scuffle. He had no doubt that Tony would end up with his phone again, but there was nothing more to say. Not really.

Behind him, he caught a snatch of melody. No words, just a soft humming. It was "Silent Night". ...and it _was_ a silent night. The breeze was all but gone, no cars on this mountain road. Just Tim, humming a carol softly. He was standing very still, back to his boss, looking out on the view. He seemed to have forgotten that Gibbs was even there. ...and the humming became words...a surprisingly clear baritone.

"_Silent night! Holy night!  
><em>_All is calm; all is bright  
><em>_'Round yon virgin, Mother and Child,  
><em>_Holy Infant, so tender and mild,  
><em>_Sleep in heavenly peace;  
><em>_Sleep in heavenly peace."_

Then, he sighed. Gibbs had almost made up his mind to walk toward him when he began to sing again, his voice much softer, more melancholy.

"_Silent night! Holy night!  
><em>_Son of God, love's pure light..."_

The words faltered and Tim fell silent. Gibbs mentally ran through the lyrics and found that he did remember them. So...with some hesitation, he began to sing, although it had been years, although it went against the image he portrayed every day.

"_Radiant beams from thy holy face.  
><em>_With the dawn of redeeming grace..."_

To his heartfelt relief, Tim joined in and they sang the last line together.

"_Jesus, Lord, at thy birth; Jesus, Lord, at thy birth."_

"It's kind of cold, isn't it," Tim said after another long silence.

"It _is_ winter, McGee."

Tim laughed. "Yeah. It is."

"Are you ready to go?"

"Just about." He was looking, not out at the scene, but up at the moon. Gibbs followed his gaze and watched, almost entranced, as thin wispy clouds passed in front of it, shading the light but not covering it completely. There was a thick bank of clouds coming...soon the moon would be obscured.

Together, they stood and watched in the calm silence described in the carol until the clouds finally moved in, first dimming the moon and then covering it completely, plunging the area into darkness.

"I'm ready to go, Boss."

"Good. I'm freezing."

Tim chuckled softly and they walked back to the car together. The ride back was as silent as it had been before...almost. After a while, Tim leaned forward and scanned through the radio stations until he found one playing Christmas music (not hard to do at that time of year). He turned the volume soft, and Gibbs noticed he'd picked a station playing much softer music than was often popular. Then, he leaned his head against the window. He never quite fell asleep, but he was infinitely more relaxed than he had been. Oh, Gibbs didn't question that Tim would need the kind of counseling required in situations like this, but he'd be okay. He knew he had done everything right...and that always helped.

They made it back to DC without incident and parked in the lot. Tim didn't expect to see anyone there. Gibbs could see on his face that his whole focus now was on getting back to his apartment and sleeping. They rode up in the elevator to the bullpen and Tim walked off without really looking around at all. Then, he stopped in surprise. Arrayed in the middle of the bullpen were Abby, Ducky, Jimmy, Ziva and Tony. They had the look of co-conspirators who were excited to finally reveal their plot.

"What are you all still doing here?" Tim asked.

"Waiting for you, Timothy," Ducky said with a smile.

"Sorry we took so long, then, I guess."

"Oh, no need to apologize, lad. It gave us the time we needed."

"For what?"

If this was a party in the offing, Tim wasn't really interested.

"We wanted to give you your Christmas present."

"We already did that."

"No. This is from _all_ of us," Abby said.

Tim felt like he was getting _way_ too much attention from too many people. He looked back over his shoulder at Gibbs who said nothing.

"Um...what is it, then?" he asked, almost afraid of the answer.

"First, you will not be working for the remainder of this week," Ziva said. "Tony and I will be covering your shifts."

"You don't have to–"

"Second, you will still have next week off as you requested."

"No, that's really not–"

"Third," Tony said with a grin as he again interrupted Tim's protests, "you are going home for Christmas."

That shut Tim up immediately. He looked around at them all.

Jimmy held out a printout. "We didn't have time to wrap it...and well, it's a piece of paper; so it doesn't really _need_ wrapping paper and..."

"That's enough Black Lung," Tony said. "Just give it to him."

Flushing, Jimmy handed Tim a piece of paper. Tim looked at it. Then, he looked up.

"You bought me a plane ticket?"

"We called your parents. They'll be ready to pick you up from Columbus tomorrow afternoon."

"You bought me a ticket home?" Tim said, looking at them all again.

"Yep." Abby looked very pleased with his reaction.

He was stunned. His mouth was moving but he couldn't seem to say anything. Abby came forward and hugged him tightly.

"You need to be home for Christmas, Tim," she whispered.

"I...I don't know what to say," Tim said, blinking back tears. "I... Thank you."

"That's a good thing to say, Probie."

It didn't come even close to saying what he wanted to say to them, but he couldn't find the words to express how much this meant to him. It wasn't even the going home part so much as it was the evidence behind what they had done...for him. It was like an answer to a prayer he hadn't even realized he was praying.

"Thank you," he said again. "Merry...Christmas."

"Oh, don't worry. I'll take it out of your hide later, Probie."

_Thwack!_

Tony rubbed his head and smiled but then he looked at Tim seriously. "No one likes having to kill someone, McGee. ...but sometimes it's the only way things can go down."

"I know."

Ziva came over to him and gave him a quick hug.

"Enjoy your vacation, McGee. That is the most important thing."

"And remember that my door is always open should you need it, lad."

"And..." Abby began...but then stopped. "No, there's no and, just another hug. Merry Christmas, Tim."

They all lingered, not wanting to go, but in the end, go they did. Gibbs was last to leave with a final squeeze of his shoulder. Tim was debriefed before he went back to his apartment, and he hurriedly packed a bag before going to bed. Then, he lay down and invited Jethro up with him. As his dog settled down beside him, a big warm furry mass, Tim felt a warmth inside him that was thawing his frozen innards.

The support his friends had given him was the best gift he could have been given this year...and it was what he had needed.

"All is calm. All is bright," he whispered and smiled.

FINIS!


End file.
